Alcoholism: The World’s Favourite Religion

You’ve heard of Buddhism, possibly Hinduism (Christianity is not a religion as much as it is a relationship with Jesus Christ)…but have you heard of the fastest growing religion in the word today?

Alcoholism

See, it even has an “ism”  It’s all set!

Now to be fair I’m not condemning the occasional drink.  It is not wrong to have one alone or with friends.  Jesus drank, it’s perfectly fine for His followers to do so…as long as they don’t over do it.

I’m not saying that everyone who has a drink is part of this religion, but there are some who are. Keep reading, and you’ll know if you’re part of it or not.

An Overview of the Religion

People involved in alcoholism often pick a set of gods who they will willingly allow themselves to become slaves to, some have many gods as there are many to choose from.  These gods go by the names of Budweiser, Miller Lite, Coors, Alexander Keiths, Margarita,  and Smirnoff Ice.  These are just some examples, there are many others.  All of the gods are united by one common spirit.  Some worshipers will go as far as to pick one god who they will show all of their devotion to, forsaking all others and zealously proclaiming the superiority of their god to all other followers of this faith.

Of course it is not enough for a person to worship their selected god alone.  They must evangelize their good news to others, using traditional word of mouth, as well as all of the popular social media sites in order to enthusiastically proclaiming their intent to go to their favourite place of worship to be in the presence of their chosen god or gods.  Others are encouraged to join them, to taste and see that their god is good.

Due to the popularity of this religion, there are places of worship in every town and city all around the world.  These places of worship are packed day and night with the faithful who earnestly look forward to entering and joining with fellow believers in the praise and worship of their gods.

Entering The Place of Worship

Upon entering the place of worship, the first thing any worshiper must do is approach the altar.  This is to be done with reverence and patience as there will be other worshipers ahead of you.

The Altar

The altar is long and narrow, usually made of wood to a height of about 30 inches.  However, different places of worship may use different measurements.  There are stools lining one side of the altar are generally 24 inches in height and made of wood or metal, or a combination of both.  The goal for each worshiper is to reach the front of the procession and seat themselves at one of these stools next to the altar where they wait for one of the high priests to emerge from The Holy Place.

The Holy Place

The Holy place is where the gods disperse their blessing for the worshiper.  It is located on the other side of the altar and only High Priests are allowed to enter it.  The job of the high priest in The Holy Place is to ensure that the right amount of blessing from the right god gets poured into a container known as a stein.  Steins are made of glass and are quite large, thus they would need a large handle for the worshiper to hold onto.  Should the worshiper only desire a small portion at a time, the high priest would place the blessing of the desired god into a small container known as a shot glass.  Shot glasses are maade of glass but usually do not have a handle due to their size.  Some gods require their blessing to be garnished with certain types of fruit, then placed in thin glasses with long stems.  Some gods desire their blessing to be presented in an aluminum can or glass bottle.  After the desired amount of blessing has been carefully measured out and poured, the High Priest will return to the altar with the blessing for the worshiper.

The Tithe Offering

Upon receiving the blessing, the worshiper then presents the High Priest with a tithe offering.  Depending on the amount of blessing and which god it came from, a worshiper’s tithe offering may vary in amount.  Once the offering has been presented, the worshiper may choose to remain at the altar if he knows he will want more blessing in a short period of time, or he may choose to proceed away from the altar with a group of his friends and sit at a table where they can worship their gods together.

The Spirit of Proof

The Spirit of Proof binds all the gods together and is common to them all.  The Spirit of Proof can maifest itself differently within a particular god depending on how much of a percentage of it exists within the god and subsequently the worshiper who receives the blessing.

How The Spirit of Proof Manifests Itself in a Believer

The Spirit of Proof can come upon a worshiper in many ways, often this is dependent on the disposition of the worshiper and how he personally likes to worship his god.

One of the first signs that the Spirit of Proof has come upon a worshiper is a feeling of warmness.  Songs of praise and worship are also common in the early stages, sometimes the whole place of worship gets in on this.  Worshipers who really want to publicly show their devotion to their god may return to the altar to ask the High Priest for more blessings from their god, or they may send for a messenger of the High Priest who will continually bring them their blessing without the need for the worshipers to leave their seats.  Blurred vision, slurred speech and speaking in tongues are not uncommon for those filled with the Spirit of Proof.  They may find it difficult to walk or physically do anything as they are so overcome by the power of the Spirit of Proof working inside them.  However, it does not stop there.  If a believer becomes so charismatic and enthralled in the worship experience of his chosen god, he may resort to two of the highest worship acts possible in this religion.  Throw up, or pass out…or if he is really lucky, both will happen at approximately the same time.  As gross and dangerous as these two acts of worship may sound to an outsider, (injury and death are possibilities) they are the highest form of praise and honour that a worshiper can bring to his god or gods.  Once the worshiper has blacked out in such a worshipful state, his close friends who have not been as affected by the Spirit of Proof get the gracious honour of delivering the worshiper back to his residence.  They are also responsible for settling the final tithe offering with the High Priest prior to leaving the place of worship.  When their friend comes out of his state of worship, he may pay them back…possibly an exorbitant sacrificial sum of money.

Making Disciples and Dealing With Blasphemy

Some of the most charismatic members of the faith have been so moved and affected by their god or gods that they cannot keep it to themselves, they must tell new believers of the good things their god or gods have done for them.  With the hope being that they will be able to bring new converts into the faith.  Thus they go out into the world preaching their good news.  Some (like me) will hear of this religion and not accept it, citing the fact that they do not like the smell or taste of those gods nor do they feel the need to be filled to overflowing with The Spirit of Proof, citing the lack of self control and other acts of worship to be bothersome and unnecessary in their life.  Hearing this blasphemy (That means it’s a lie as far as the worshiper is concerned) can upset the zealous worshiper to such a point that he ceases all forms of communication with the person who will not join him in his regular devotion to his gods (Even if before this evangelism moment, they may have been great friends).  At this point the worshiper seeks out others to convert or returns to his huddle of local believers the next evening in their favourite place of worship where they repeat their holy sacraments all over again.

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Alright, I’m done making fun of you guys now, you don’t have to change your ways or anything, but can you see how weird this whole thing is to an outsider?  I’ll never understand how someone can drink something so fruity or something that smells like pee.  And why is it so expensive?  I guess I just don’t get it, but please don’t stop on my account.

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