UC Chapter 3: When You Know That Horrible Thing Has Happened To Absolutely You

Tiffany awoke in the middle of the night.  Things were quiet.  She immediately thought of Neville.  This was the first time he had slept for so long during the night.  She crept over to his room and felt for a pulse.  Things were fine.  Tiffany breathed a sigh of relief and returned to bed.  She then poked Nigel in the sternum repetedly until he had no choice but to wake up.

“What’s up?”  Nigel asked, removing his earphones.  “I’m Only Sleeping”  by the Beatles had been playing in the background, and now he was somewhat rudely awakened from that ideal state of life he had been enjoying.

“My wifely intuition informs me that something is wrong.  However, in this particular instance, it won’t tell me what it is.  So, we must figure that out.”  Tiffany explained.

“What’s the point in wifely intuition if it is not specific.”  Nigel queried.

“It’s the gift I’ve been given, dear.”  Tiffany said, resigned to her fate.

Nigel got up to take a look around, while Tiffany strafed behind him at a safe distance.

They re confirmed that nothing was wrong with Neville, before checking the rest of the house.  Nothing was wrong there either.

“You should check your animals.”  Tiffany informed.

“They are our animals, and we will check them in the morning when we can see better.”  Nigel decided.  “Let’s get some more sleep.”

In the morning, after everyone was fed and ready to face the day, Nigel and Tiffany went into their expansive back yard.

First checking the large barn, Nigel noticed that Lawrence, Willie, and Grace were not occupying it.  Perhaps they had meandered out into the yeard earlier than usual.  Nigel and Tiffany took a strol through the yard, passing by Butch the rooster who was just as much of a jerk as ever.  He must not have realized his victim Lawrence was absent.  Continuing on, the couple passed by many other animals who were not given names because they do not have speaking roles in this story.  Approaching the fence surrounding the perimeter, they walked along it.

Suddenly, Nigel found himself deep in a pit.  His bottom was extremely sore for seven seconds.  Tiffany peered over the edge and cracked a crooked smile.  She had surmised that Grace had dug the giant hole under the fence allowing all three to go free.  Grace was the smartest of all the animals in Tiffany’s opinion.

“This is the worst day ever!”  Nigel screamed.  I’ve lost three of my best friends!  Lawrence, my favourite chicken, Grace my fabourite cow, and Willie, my favourite Turkey!”

Tiffany returned with a ladder and responded, “maybe you soffocated them with attention, unlike me.”

“What do you mean?” Nigel said, even more obviously hurt by her remarks.  “I love you and Neville.  Now, would you please send down that ladder?”

“If you love us, you’d spend more time with us.  We only see you for meals.”  Tiffany retorted.  “We want more of you!”

“I’m trying to provide for us.”  Nigel said.

At this point Tiffany dropped the ladder and Nigel climed out.   Glancing at the uncovered tunnel, he said, “I must find them.   They are the smartest animals we have.”

“Fine, I’ll stay here and take care of our child, and all of the other dumb animals by myself!”  Tiffany screamed.

As a gesture of his love and devotion, Nigel left the family car with Tiffany and proceeded to follow the obvious path of the trio on foot.  If nothing else it would be interesting to see what obstacles they would have to overcome.   Tiffany quickly saw him off and returned to the house to do the dishes and the accounting.  Feeding the animals would take up the afternoon and evening since it was just her now.  What did Nigel really think he would accomplish wandering out into the wilderness like that?  Probably nothing.  She didn’t have to worry.   He would call if he got into any real trouble on this ill conceived adventure of his.  Tiffany, scowled and returned to chores that refused to do themselves.

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