I recently read something disturbing on the internet. (What else is new) It was a list of 28 reasons not to have kids contributed by Adam Ellis, on Buzzfeed. (I’ve got to cite my sources properly) Here are the reasons (in large print) the author gave for not having kids…with my reactions underneath. Most of these are pretty lazy, in my humble opinion. This person would obviously enjoy remaining a child. Children are a gift from God, and people (like the author of this original list) keep forgetting that.
1. Your sleeping schedule won’t revolve around when another tiny human feels sleepy.
If you have a regular full time job you’re going to have a regular sleeping schedule anyway.
2. This means you can take naps without worrying a child is burning down the house while you slumber.
Kids can only burn down the house if they have matches or candles…and if you leave those around on the floor where they can get at them, that’s just because you’re a messy person.
3. You can curse freely around your home without worrying you’re being overheard by impressionable little goblins
Cursing doesn’t get you anywhere in life. Grow up and use real words.
4. As it turns out, adults without children are less likely to suffer from depression.
You can get depression from many other things. If you train your children properly, they can bring you a lot of joy.
5. You won’t need to stress about your body basically exploding from the agony of childbirth.
Neither would you Adam. You’re a boy. If this is about a weight thing, the woman you had this child with can lose the weight if she wants to…and if she can’t, or won’t, you’ve got to love her all the same. People are so worried about what other people look like these days…
6. Other people’s kids remain fun and cute in your eyes, because you only have to experience them in small doses.
You’ve never helped out with an after school program. Other people’s kids barely see their parents as authority figures, let alone you. In this case children are still a gift from God….they’re there to teach you patience.
7. If you want to have a little White Wine in the Nighttime™ you can, because you have no kids to watch after. Vive la fête!
You could actually still do that if you wanted to (first positive thing I’ve said this whole article)…just make sure you’re responsible and put your kids to bed first…and remember to put it back when you’re done. No big deal…unless you’re planning on getting totally wasted. That could be an issue.
8. You won’t worry about messing up as a parent and accidentally raising a monster.
It’s a possibility, but if you try your best and work at it, you won’t raise a monster.
9. Bathroom time is blissfully uninterrupted by noisy children. You could die in the bathroom if you wanted to. You have that luxury.
What on earth are you doing in the bathroom that long? Wait…I don’t even want to know. And don’t you know there are wonderful things called doors that you can lock while you’re in there. Really lame reason.
10. It costs $241,080 to raise a kid. Think of everything you could buy with that money.
Note that this is a cumulative number that results after a period of 18 years. It’s not a lump sum, you don’t pay it all at once. If you have a full time job, you can certainly pull it off no problem….so no worries there.
11. Since you’ve got more cash on hand, you can take spontaneous vacations without having to make special accommodations for your child.
You can still take vacations with your kids…this isn’t even a valid reason.
12. If you want, you can even move to a new city on a whim.
You could still do that….just remember to bring your kids with you!
13. The only tantrums you’ll have to deal with are your own fits of rage when the Seamless app crashes.
If you’re having legitimate tantrums over anything at your age…you are not a real man yet.
14. Your life will be blissfully free of bodily fluids that aren’t your own.
You’ve got to clean the house sometimes. Having less bodily fluids around won’t make that much of a difference.
15. You can fill your home with fancy, sharp-edged furniture and not worry a toddler might bash his head on the corner of your vintage Paul McCobb coffee table.
That seems all well and good…until you hurt yourself on it.
16. You get to buy modern lucite furniture that won’t get covered in tiny smudgy hand prints.
Instead it will get covered with BIG smudgy hand prints. I’m failing to see the logic behind this one.
17. You can purchase nice clothes for yourself that won’t be immediately destroyed by toxic baby barf.
You can still do that. Just save them for date nights if you’re worried about that. Babies aren’t babies for long. This stage will pass more quickly than you realize. Then you can wear your nice clothes all you want. Again, no big deal.
18. Even if you’re poor, all you have to do is think, At least I don’t have to buy diapers right now and suddenly you feel rich beyond measure.
Just remember, someone bought diapers for you once.
19. If you feel lonely, you know you don’t need a kid to fill the void. That’s what cats, dogs, and houseplants are for, and you don’t have to put a houseplant through college.
Cats and dogs do a lot more damage to your nice lucite furniture than kids would. and you constantly have to water plants. Pet food is really expensive too. I would think on this one before you go that route.
20. Since you don’t have tots of your own, you get to invest all your time in being the cool aunt or uncle.
There’s nothing wrong with being a cool aunt or uncle, but you are depriving your brothers and sisters of this fun opportunity as well. You’re also depriving your nieces and nephews of cool cousins….Everybody likes cousins.
21. You’ll never have to deal with the awkwardness of explaining puberty…
Puberty isn’t that hard to explain. You can do it.
22. …let alone the dreaded sex talk. *shudder*
You can explain that a lot easier than puberty.
23. Speaking of sex, you get to have it wherever you want without the fear of a child walking in on you.
…But I thought you didn’t want bodily fluids around your house that weren’t your own….
Oh, that just ruined it for you! Hahahahahaa
24. You don’t have to give up your hobbies. You can ↓↘→+P for the rest of your amazing, fun, childfree life.
There’s nothing wrong with playing video games with your kids. You can still have your hobbies…but now you’ll have some others to enjoy them with you, in moderation. You’ve got to take care of your responsibilities as a parent too.
25. Since there are no kiddos running around, you get to watch porn whenever you want!
You’ll get bored of it eventually, especially if your female friends that you want to have sex with walk in on you. Females don’t like that. That translates into no sex for you. It’s not worth the risk. Porn is disgusting anyway. Why not use your time doing something else?
26. It’ll be so much easier to save for a comfortable retirement. Did you know they have Wii systems in retirement homes now?
Why are you dreaming of being stuck in a retirement home? That’s so boring! Dream bigger man!
27. In your old age, you can get weird without people worrying about the burden you’re placing on your poor children.
People generally don’t worry about this. If you have kids, they’ll be old enough to help you out by this point. No big deal.
28. Being child-free makes being an adult that much more fun!
If you’re sitll into being a child yourself and having your aged mother come and tuck you in and pay for everything for you…
You can go ahead and not have kids, it’s not hurting me one bit…but just know that it’s not quite as complicated as you’re making it…as long as you’re willing to work at it.