The day started off like any other for me. I reside quite comfortably within the confines of Jared’s brain. If I explained to you the route I had to take to get in there, you would be confused as a duck with its socks on backward.
I bet you’re confused even now. On with the story then.
Suddenly there was an obnoxious pulsating sound. I sense Jared beginning to stir.
“Turn your alarm off Jared! I hate that noise!” I scream at him.
He pays no mind to me. As if I’m not even there. This is odd because currently I own his mind. Yet I’m not getting any reaction at all! The nerve! He stretches, his shoulders pop back into place after the tension I applied to them last night since he wasn’t going to listen to me talk to him. Who wouldn’t want to listen to me ramble on and on all night? I’m very entertaining!
Jared heads off from his bedroom down the hall to his parents’ non descriptive bungalow.
“Still living with your parents, Jared? When are you going to grow up and be a real man!” I say, as snappily as I can.
Nothing. No response what so ever. I’ve sent other young men into tears over that situation.
Jared closes the bathroom door, reaches for his electric razor and begins to shave what little he has of a beard.
“Shouldn’t you have more of a beard considering your age, Jared, come on. You’re twenty. You missed a spot!”
Jared begins to tense up but at this point. Finally! Something. Though it is hard to tell if the tension is being caused by me or the fact that shaving can be tricky business for anyone, not just those who have the privilege of listening to my constructive feedback. I’m glad I don’t have to do that.
Jared removes his non descriptive pajamas and steps into the shower. He begins to soap up and shampoo simultaneously to save time and be efficient. This is actually commendable. I’ll have to look for something else to poke at.
“Why do you even bother washing that….thing. It won’t help You’re body is disgusting! You could save time and just not bother. Even if you were clean as anyone could get and smelled delicious for miles, you could never attract any friends, let alone a … lover!” I retort.
Nothing! This kid is as head strong as an ox today.
Jared finishes off his shower and heads upstairs to the kitchen. He greets his parents, both 50 something insurance brokers who are noticeably wrinkled and going grey quickly due to the many mental stresses in their respective work environments. Guess what, I caused those too. Remember, the story is about me! Not Jared or his elderly parents.
Jared sees his parents off and immediately settles into a bowl of Frosted Bits of Whole Grain Cereal. It’s the name on the box! I kid you not!
“Frosted cereal won’t help solve the problems I was trying to talk to talk to you about earlier, Jared!” I quip.
Once again, nothing. Can you see how lonely and depressing my life is? I try to be social and witty, but nobody is interested.
Jared grabs a sweater and heads towards the front door of his bungalow. Pulling an old car key out of the pocket he steps out the door, immediately trips, and falls head long down the concrete steps, rolling into the muddy, damp grass below.
“You’ve got to hate it when it rains!” I mention enthusiastically. “This makes all your showering and other preparations all useless!”
Jared ignores me one more time and checks himself for possible injuries and cuts. Finding nothing serious, he strolled as casually as he could toward his parents’ 2000 Honda Civic.
He opened the driver’s door, inserted himself into the seat with as much ease as he could muster and began to back the car out of the driveway.
“Don’t forget to look both ways once you get back to the street. You know a large number of accidents are caused by morons who don’t look when they back out of their driveways.
Jared begins to tense up again. Come on. Give me just a little more. Jared uneventfully drives from his home to the highway. Another opportunity is upon me.
“That was a terrible merge! Did you need to make that many shoulder checks? And on an unrelated note, did you comb your hair today?” I ask nonchalantly.
Jared grits his teeth, pushes a hand through his brown hair to mat it down and not make it quite as puffy.
Jared increases his grip on the steering wheel as he proceeds toward his destination, community college.
“Don’t you have a test today? Are you sure you’re ready?” I ask.
Jared speeds up, because of this his exit comes sooner and he makes sure to muster up a more confident merge onto the ramp. Then Jared took his dull little life and his dull little car through the maze of streets without incident and parked in his usual spot outside the college. He gets out and runs toward his first class.
I will leave him there for now, Jared probably won’t even notice I’ve left. We will pick up his story later. At this moment there is another friend of mine I have to talk to.
You’ve got to give me an A for effort for trying to socialize today. Come on people!