Lucifer had had enough. It was time, dare he do it, to have a conversation with The Lord. To end this power struggle once and for all. So he hoped. Surely he couold convince The Lord to give him power so that he could do the things he wanted to.
“Gentlemen.” Lucifer said to Dwight and Oscar. “You will hold down the fort here while I go have a conversion with The Lord to see what exactly it is that I’m doing wrong.”
“Hell is filling up more and more each day, and that is not enough for you?” asked Oscar.
“The world is not enough!” Lucifer exclaimed.
“Who are you, James Bond?” Dwight asked snarkily
“Who is James Bond?” Lucifer asked.
“Some English spy hero who obviously hasn’t been born yet and we wouldn’t really know him.” Dwight muttered.
“Anyway, the angels are supposed to be presenting themselves to The Lord at some point in the near future. I will go there and settle this once and for all.” Lucifer said confidently. “I’ll have to come up with an alias so that I don’t immediately get thrown out again. I was thinking something along the lines of Satan.”
“It’s shorter and easier to remember than Lucifer.” Oscar mentioned. “Rolls off the tongue better.”
“I agree.” Dwight said in a suck up sort of way.
Lucifer, now self minted, Satan slithered off, leaving Dwight and Oscar in charge of Hell.
6 One day the angels[a] came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan[b] also came with them. 7 The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?”
Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”
8 Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
9 “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. 10 “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. 11 But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
12 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”
Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.
13 One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
“Blast!” Lucifer screamed. “He was supposed to hate The Lord and start sinning like a mad man! I’ve gotta try harder.”
On another day the angels[a] came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?”
Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”
3 Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.”
4 “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. 5 But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
6 The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”
7 So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”
10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish[b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
“Alright then,” Lucifer said to himself. “Progress is a tad slow with the whole getting him to not sin part, but I’ve got his wife on my side. Maybe I can convince his friends to be rather unhelpful.”
11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
“Excellent! They’re just sitting there in silence not providing any help!” Lucifer said with glee. “Oh Rats! One of them is talking! Now they’re all talking! Now Job is talking! Now they’re all just talking back and forth forever and a day!” Lucifer exclaimed in disbeleif. “Now Job is talking to The Lord and The Lord is answering him. He seems angry! Wait, What!? He’s giving Job back all the things I took from him! AND THEN SOME?! This is entirely unfair.” Lucifer moaned.
“If you were smart, you’d give up!” The Lord exclaimed to Lucifer. “Don’t you know by now that I always win?”
“NEVER! I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!” Lucifer spat back.
“You will, but you’ve already forgotten that.” The Lord said.
Feeling totally exhausted, Lucifer did what was becoming the only thing he was good at and slunk back to Hell.
***
There is much more to Job’s story than what I’ve shown here, but for the sake of not making this chapter last forever, I consolidated some things. Job’s actual story is much longer and found in the book of Job. Naturally.